Woe is Me

                It’s come to my understanding that no matter what the circumstances are someone will end up judging you.  The judgment will come down if you are male, female, child, adult, gay, straight, fat, skinny; whatever the case.  I do it myself and I am ashamed to admit it.  The problem with this is when you mention it to anyone their first thought is that you are just bitching about it and it shouldn’t be a problem; you should grow thicker skin.  Well you know what?  It is and it should be noticed.  We live in a world where things like this just go unchecked and we are putting our own unwillingness to acknowledge the fact that something is wrong above the well-being of our friends and family. 

                Now, that I have said my piece about these issues I want to dive into one matter that has plagued me since the post of the girl with the Xbox controller hit the web.  This spawned more and more disturbing images of girls using the guitar controller in a sexual manner and photos of nude girls with controllers covering themselves; gamer girls.  Although the Xbox controller girl didn’t mean to start this it happened.  Being a gamer myself I find it all quite disturbing but at the same time I know why girls feel the need to do things like this.  They want guys to know that you don’t have to look one specific way to be a gamer because most people believe girls are overweight and don’t carry themselves in a girly fashion.  The pictures show otherwise, and while they are pandering, they are doing it because they were provoked.  It has been that way for a long time.  I remember not wanting to speak to guild members in vent because I was afraid of being judge for being a girl.

                On the other hand pandering and showing guys these pictures are giving us girls this horrible negative image.  I was on tumblr the other day and someone posted something that said “oh you’re a girl and you’re mediocre at video games?  You can go pro.”  This is some of the saddest things I’ve seen.  I know that having girls on a pro team can help bring in viewers but having a girl that is just average at the game will just build up the stereotype that looks matter more than your gaming abilities.  I don’t even play games much in front of people because of the pressure.  If you’re a girl and you don’t play above average you will get judge twice as harshly as a man that plays a game below average.  It’s like we can’t make mistakes and it keeps most of us hidden away from the gaming communities, and even when we do show ourselves the first thing most ask for are pictures.  When we refuse you call us fat, or ugly; mostly both.  That isn’t what we came here for, it isn’t why we make videos, live stream, or play games; well at least I don’t, I can’t be so bold as to speak for all the girls that are gamers.

                We have given ourselves this horrible stereotype and now we have burdened ourselves to uphold these stupid standards and the video game world wants us to do just that; be pretty, play subpar.  Don’t do this; don’t stop trying because you have already gain success; it doesn’t nothing for you successors.  These are the things that will end up holding other girls that play hardcore games, speed run, and produce amazing content shame.  I wish these words could actually help out the female population of gamers but I know that it will continue because of the major success they gained from dressing provocatively and playing poorly.  I just wanted to vent my frustrations because seeing that one little post on tumblr made me want to cry.  It’s hard making it out there as a woman already, and being a strange one that sits at home on Friday nights playing Batman isn’t making it any easier.  We just want to be seen as normal and while some of us want special treatment because we have boobs doesn’t mean all of us do.

               

"Counter Attack With Whatever You Feel Like"

I've always hated it when people told  me to do whatever I want I feel like I really can't, it's where this whole problem has come from.  Maybe it all stems from being insecure about everything.  Maybe it's because I never feel like what I do is good enough, or that I am good enough.  I always compare myself to other people and compare the things I've done with what others have done.  It probably all comes back to being compared to everyone else when I was younger.  My mother would always do this; it's given me quite the complex.  It's made me a pretty introverted person and it's also made me a reflective person.  I'm the type that sits and thinks about what they said hours after the fact.  The other person has moved on and had the rest of their day and I'm still sitting and thinking what they thought about what I said.

Anyways, I've never really been able to just do something; I have to think about the outcomes; what could happen?  If I do this, this might happen.  If I do that this could happen.  If I do this, this, and this then I'm not too sure what would happen.  Maybe I should shut off my brain and just do something.  I could end up possibly dying because of it or I could have the best day of my life.  Shit I'm doing it again.  Why do all these scenarios play out in my head?  I wish my life was like a dating SIM sometimes.  They only give you a certain number of choices, and there are only a couple of possible outcomes, not like real life.

I also recently found out that one of my best friend's girlfriend was the one that was going crazy and sending me these awful text messages.  She would tell me I'm fat, ugly, a man, a slut, and was just vicious and vindictive.  I've never met someone like this before.  Nick; my boyfriend, and I talked about it and really thought about the people it could possibly be.  We narrowed it down to one.  There is no one else that I've pissed off enough to the point that they would want to do something like this.  I still don't believe that I did much to deserve the type of treatment that included cyber stalking and signing me up for dating sites, with my actually information on them, with pictures, telling people where I live via my zip code.  I never had someone try and ruin my life before; gotta admit haters make you feel special in ways you really don't want.

I talked to my friend about it and he said that he would look out and see what was going on.  He finally got a confession out of her on Tuesday and she told him how bad she felt about it and that she wasn't feeling like herself.  She'd been doing this for months if she honestly felt bad about it she would have stopped.  She would have really thought about what she was doing and considered how badly this could potentially screw her over.  He went to work that day thinking that everything was over.  That was the same exact day that I got signed up for those sites.  How are you going to tell someone you feel bad about what happened and the kick it up a notch and sign them up for dating sites?

The day after he told me this we had a long conversation via text message.  I told him how terrible I thought she was and if anyone I was dating did this, it would be an instant deal breaker.  You don't do that to people you just don't.  Not unless you are crazy bitch; which I feel like she is.  He told me that he would stand by her and because he believed that things could get better.  I don't think it's that easy, especially after the first time talking to her and then having her go bat shit insane and cyber stalk harder.

You might be asking yourself what I did to this girl to make her hate me so much so I'll tell you.  I told her boyfriend that I didn't think that she was good enough for him and that I hated her because I felt like she didn't try hard enough to stay in Florida and that her "trying to make friends" was her hiding in his room with the door closed.  She also ate all my food and didn't ask to use anything, that may fly with you and your family but I don't know the bitch well enough for her to be so rude.  Also told him that she was insincere with everything, she would thank you and sound like an utter bitch about it.

This all in all was an eye opening experience; one I found out that my friend is actually just a shadow of his girlfriend, two I found out that some people just think it's okay to do whatever they want, and three I might actually have to file a police report against someone for cyber stalking me, and I'm not even famous.  I feel like those are the one people worth stalking, if you stalk me you don't get much out of it.  When you stalk famous people you might be able to sell their dirty napkin for a million bucks.

So in conclusion I found out, "bitches never learn."

Life's Little Games

Now I wouldn't call myself a professional gamer or anything of the sort, but I do dabble in a lot of different types of games.  I always have, all through my life I've played video games, I usually always play them to then end and I like to do so on the highest difficulty.  I just feel that much more satisfied when I beat the game.  My insides cry out, "HELL YES I SHOWED YOU!"  I take my victories where I can get them and I want to take that philosophy to my life.  It just seem that life puts you at the most difficult setting and forces you to play it that way.  It's harder because you can't save in between levels and you can't pause.  You also don't have any other lives, there are places you can rest and recover, and you'll have to manage your resources, but the hardest thing about this game; like in Skyrim, there are far too many options, far too many roads to follow.

This is one of my main problems, I cannot pick a path and follow it to the end, life seems like an endless game that I cannot beat because the road to the end splits into a million different smaller ones.  I thought I found out what I really wanted to do in life; only to find out that I like doing some thing similar but much different than what I had originally planned.  Maybe my qualities have set me up for failure; too many points places into one talent tree, and in all the wrong skills.  I want to be an artist, I want to be a photographer, no wait, I want to be an dinosaur, those things were bad ass.  Oh damn, there is no money in being a dinosaur, wait, there is no money in the other things I want to do either.  Well damn, I can't respec guys, life said no.

There are also rules in games, there seems to be none in life, we can pretend that there are with laws, and societal customs, but honestly people glitched this game so bad, and the creators can't catch all the bugs.  You shouldn't be able to cheat in this game, but in so many ways people have conned their way to victory and it really makes me want to rage quit; sleep.

There are many times that I wished that I could hack this game, but then I wouldn't have the "HELL YES I SHOWED YOU" feeling.